Greetings from the fabulous Gold Coast! I am here in sunny Queensland, where it is beautiful one day, and the last bastion of sensible, forward thinking politics the next. Just walking around the streets of Surfers Paradise this afternoon gave me a sense of a place that is alive with possibility and vitality and maybe also chlamydia. “If only the rest of the nation could experience this”, I thought as I strolled down Cavill Avenue, admiring the t-shirt shops, Comdom Kingdom and the many other cultural highlights. But does Campbell Newman’s bold new era of reforms go far enough to really let Queensland fulfil its potential and set the tone for a Tony Abbott led Australia? Could they be doing more to show us pinko treehuggers from clearly inferior states how it is done? NO. So LNP faithful, sit down, shut those slack jaws right up and grab the scribblin’ stick: here are my suggestions for a glorious future for Queensland:

  • The Treasury Casino should now be the actual treasury. Also; because they have been leeching off the system for years, old people will be mandated to play pokies for a minimum of six hours a day. Poker machines will be installed in all nursing homes in order to effectively implement this and provide equitable access.
  • Compulsory education should end at age eight, at which time parents either must pay for kids to attend private schools or have children assigned to professions. All boys will become miners girls will be mandated to become meter maids until they reach marriageable age (fourteen).
  • Speaking of meter maids, they will now be armed and have the power to arrest anyone who is unable to recite passages from Bob Katter’s “An Incredible Race of People” on demand. This book will be the only book taught in Queensland schools and churches and a detailed knowledge of it will be required in order to sit drivers licence tests.
  • Further health reforms could allow Queensland to become leaders in innovative and economically responsible health care, in that control of all hospital services will be turned over to a team of gorillas trained in sign language. This will save billions in wages and limit the influence of the unions as gorillas have historically been under-represented in the HSU (they just kept pressuring the prostitutes into watching Animal Planet).
  • People with disabilities will be required to fund their own damn scheme for whatever it is that they are on about (as If any self respecting LNP member has time to get their head around that) and be given (See? Given-proves we do care) Queensland’s shittiest theme park (The Big Pineapple, clearly) to run for profit and get themselves all the pineapple themed tea towels a person could possibly need.
  • NSW has proven themselves irrelevant to the State of Origin series. From Now on Queensland will merely take the field at Suncorp Stadium, hoist the trophy and sacrifice a suitably chaste pig.
  • No fat chicks.

Look, there is probably a heap more where that came from-I have quite a lot of cough medicine and skittles left. Campbell, I understand that you are a busy dude fixing already well functioning and valuable services but seriously, call me and remember to thank me next election night when you win 127% of the primary vote.